


You Can't Understand. Why Can't You Accept You Can't?

by Annabellee86



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, M/M, Painful Sex, Rape, Rape/Non-con Elements, Spit As Lube
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-17
Updated: 2017-07-17
Packaged: 2018-12-03 05:14:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11525283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Annabellee86/pseuds/Annabellee86
Summary: "You can't understand what it's like to be raped so stop saying you do!" The WInter Soldier hissed low and angry."Then make me understand," Steve said, panic rising as he spoke but not backing down.





	You Can't Understand. Why Can't You Accept You Can't?

**Author's Note:**

> CNC turned non-con. Read at your own risk.

Since the day Steve had found out what HYDRA had done to Bucky in their off time, Steve had been telling him he "sorry. I understand."  
Steve would hug him and hold him when he got upset to form a flashback or a nightmare. 

When Bucky had a nightmare or a flashback, it was often not Bucky Steve was trying to comfort. It was The Winter Soldier. Neither Bucky nor The Winter Soldier told Steve About The Winter Soldier. 

Bucky was afraid to tell Steve, but The Asset didn't tell Steve about a different set of reasons. He thought Steve would send him to the chair or whatever Stark could come up with to make him go away. 

HYDRA made Bucky go away because they didn't want to deal with the weaker parts of The Soldier. He feared Steve would do the same with the parts of Bucky he didn't want. Steve wanted to fix Bucky. Steve wanted to make Bucky into the man he might have become without the war without HYDRA. The Bucky Barns Steve was searching for died 70 years ago, and he was never coming back. 

It wasn't the fear of having Steve well Tony rewire his brain keeping him from telling Steve. It was the access he gained from keeping quiet about his presence. Steve would never trust him or let him go out alone again if he knew The Soldier was still apart of Bucky. 

The Soldier endured Steve holding him after a nightmare or flashback. He endured listening to him murmur he understood, offering to listen if he wanted to talk. Proposing to take him to therapy. Steve's hollow words made him want to puke

Steve had never been forced to kill innocent people. He never put a bullet through a child because it was the only shot he had. He damn sure never had dozens of people rape him with whatever they could think of at a party. 

What the fuck did Mr. Perfect know about the kinds of party games a HYDRA team could come up with to entertain themselves. 

Bucky didn't even like being held after a flashback. He hated Steve touching him when he was upset. Bucky could see offering him physical comfort made Steve feel better. He didn't want to hurt Steve, so he let him continue. 

Bucky couldn't tell what The Asset did when he was the one running the show. The Asset always knew what was going. He would come out when Bucky was having a hard time. 

The Asset often was the one who Steve fucked. Steve called it making love like some romantic teen girl, but it was fucking. The Asset would endure it, so Bucky needs to. Bucky enjoyed sex when he was having a good day. Sex often caused flashbacks; often Steve wasn't the one fucking him in his mind. 

The Asset also went to all Bucky's check-ups. Bucky lost it the few times when he tried. The Asset hated the doctor, but he could keep calm and not kill people or end up on the floor sobbing. Bucky would end up and begging the doctor not to hurt him. 

Bucky was on the couch watching some show when someone made a comment about punch fucking. Bucky panicked. He could remember hands on him as they used the command to lay prostrate on the bed and not move. He couldn't disobey the commands no matter how much he wanted. 

They took turns for hours punching deep inside him. They stopped when he felt his insides coming out as they pulled out of him. He could remember screaming and begging them to stop. It had been The Asset on the bed, but Bucky remembered like it was him on the bed. 

The Asset came out before the end of the memory, but him being there didn't mean the memory ended. The Asset would be the one dealing with the memory and the fallout, not Bucky. 

Bucky screamed when The Asset screamed in the memory. The Asset was sitting on the floor between Steve's legs. Steve's arms wrapped around him and one leg over his legs and vomit in Bucky's lap. 

The Asset wasn't sure when those things had happened, but they had. The Winter Soldier wanted to run away from Steve, but he couldn't. He had to endure yet more loss of control at the hands of a man supposed to take care of him. 

"I love you. You are okay. You are safe now. HYDRA can't hurt you here. I will make sure you are safe." Steve prattled on not seeing how not only his words but his presence was making things worse for The Asset. 

Steve's words and the fact Steve was restraining him made everything ten times worse. 

The Asset sat long enough for Steve to believe he calmed down before he let him get clean. Steve made soup and got a movie ready. The Asset didn't watch the film he stayed focused on Steve's cuddling with him and petting his hair like a dog. 

The Asset wanted to scream he wanted to beat Steve to death for making things worse even after all his words of how can I make things better for you. 

Following the flashback, Bucky hadn't been out for more than a few minutes. Steve continued his life of coddling Bucky and trying to fix him. The worst was when Steve would say "I understand."

Steve went on a mission and gone for a few days. The Asset was able to relax. Bucky still hadn't been able to be out for more than an hour, but The Asset was relaxing.

Steve came home to find Bucky sitting on the couch crying. Steve walked to him with his Uniform still and shield still on and tried to take Bucky into his arms. He was murmuring "I know how hard this is on you and I am sorry you have to deal with it."

"NO THE FUCK YOU DON'T!!!!" The Asset roared Steve fell back onto his ass trying to give him space. 

"You will never understand what I have been through, no matter how much you say you do. So shut the fuck up about how you understand, or I will show you what it's like." The Asset hissed before walking to the kitchen

Steve sat dumbfounded and scared. Before he even registered he was speaking, he had started. "So make me understand."

The Asset spun on his heels looking at Steve like he had spoken Swahili. "You want me to do what?" 

"I want you to show me what it's like to be you know. Help me understand you, Buck. You're right I don't understand and I can't unless you show me."

"You have to be kidding me? You can't say the word, and you want me to RAPE you. Do you want to know what it's like to have someone shove their cock inside you dry while you scream? Why can't you accept you don't understand and you never will?" 

"Because I am with 'til the end of the line Buck."

"You are fucking stupid Steve. How can you think you want to experience RAPE." Bucky kept emphasizing the word since Steve couldn't seem to say it. 

"We need rules," Steve said. "What kind of rules should we have?"

Don't ask me it's your body I'm going to violate; you need to figure rules out yourself. The rules are so you feel safe. Safe while I violate you, how fucking stupid is that thought. Why can't you accept you don't understand and leave this stupid idea alone?"

Steve thought about the rules he needed to feel safe about letting Bucky hurt him. He didn't know how to start. 

"I will do some research," Steve said, walking to his room and shutting the door. 

As soon as the door closed, Steve sank to the bed and cried. He wanted to understand, but now he was afraid of what Bucky would do to him. He had seen the look of anger and hatred in Bucky's eyes. The look of anger and hatred since he found Bucky. Steve cringed and wanted to cry whenever he saw it in Bucky's eyes.

Steve didn't want to be afraid of Bucky. It killed him he was scared of his best friend and lover. It was like looking into the eyes of The Winter Soldier. 

Steve shook his head and tried to remember the man he knew and loved. He saw the man he loved in this broken man. 

Steve pulled himself out of his pity party and started doing research online. Steve's ever growing a list of rules, but the more he looked online, the more he felt he could handle this. When Steve's list was ready, he walked to the living room sitting and waiting for Bucky to acknowledge him. 

The Asset hoped Steve rethought this FUBAR idea. The Soldier saw Steve was stubborn as ever and determined to continue he fucked up plan. He should refuse for Steve's good, but he knew Steve was stubborn enough to find someone else to carry out his plan. The Asset didn't want to care, but he had grown to care about Steve. 

Bucky moved a chair across from Steve. There was no way but through Steve thought to take a steadying breath. "Online it says what we are doing it called consensual nonconsent. Apparently, lots of people enjoy this type of play. They say you need to have a safe-word. I know you don't have one, but we both need one. Mine will be Hellicarrier. What about you Buck, it needs to be a word you won't say by accident?" 

"Brooklyn." The Asset mumbled. He didn't know why he was nervous about this.

"Rules. I can't have you punch me with your metal hand, you could kill or maim me, but it's too much like the Hellicarrier. I need to know when you are going to do it." Steve was unable to say the word. "I need to be able to tell you I can't do it when you ask. I need you to give me aftercare. 

"I may need you to go away after or I may need you to remind me you love me. I don't know what I will need, but I need you to try and help me."

The Asset sat and watched Steve and wondered why he wouldn't tell him he changed his mind. The Asset could see the fear on Steve's face. 'He must love Bucky more than life itself if he was going to endure rape for him.' The Asset thought.

"I won't fuck you dry. I won't prep you, but I won't fuck you dry."

"It's supposed to hurt Buck. How am I going to understand if it doesn't hurt? The whole point is for me understand. I will heal."

"Yeah Stevie, you will recover, but you may not be able to enjoy anal sex again. You might always remember the pain, and not be able to relax enough for penetration to be pleasurable." The Asset said, baffled he cared if Steve liked penetration again, and not sure why he called him Stevie. 

The Asset looked at Steve and saw he tipped his hand. He could see the realization in Steve's eyes. Steve knew he hated penetration. 

"Why didn't you tell me?" Steve whispered tears in his eyes.

"You say how tight I am every time you fuck me. You love how tight I am. Did you think I was so tight because I liked you shoving into me?" The Winter Soldier hissed. 'I didn't believe you cared. You don't care I hate you touching me' He thought.

"I thought you healed tight."

"I do, but I clench down when you try to shove into me." The Asset said, the anger bleeding out of his voice as he saw the truth dawning in Steve's eyes. 

"Why do you keep saying I "shove in?" I don't "shove in." I thought I prepped you enough. I thought you liked when we made love." 

"Didn't you notice the grunting and panting?" The Winter Soldier said, indignation rising as he spoke. 

"I thought you were enjoying how it felt."

"Never, I fight not throwing you off and beating you to death every time. It makes me want to puke." "Well, Bucky' The Asset thought.

Steve sobbed, thinking back on how many times he had penetrated Bucky since he found him. 

"I'm sorry, Buck. I'm so sorry." Steve said, standing and walking to Bucky and trying to wrap him in a hug. 

"I fucking hate you hugging me more than I hate you saying you understand." The Asset said, jerking away finally not show restraining himself. 

Steve fell back on his ass in his effort to get away. "I'm sorry." Steve whimpered. "You should rape me to punish me."

The Asset leaped out of the chair to land on Steve's trembling body pinning him to the floor. The movement was fluid and catlike. His forearm was resting on Steve's throat. Pulling Steve's pants down without letting him breathe. Steve hadn't been without oxygen long enough for brain damage, so he held him there longer. 

Steve tried to go limp and let Bucky take his revenge, but he couldn't make himself be still, and he started to thrash. 

"You ready to pay for your crimes?

"Ever the fucking Catholic schoolboy atoning for his sins. 

"Great, I will make you atone." The Asset hissed in his ear as he swapped his arm pressing him into the floor, so his flesh hand was free. 

"I asked you a question bitch. Are you ready to atone?" The Winter Soldier asked, pulling his arm away so Steve could breathe enough to speak. 

"Yes," Steve whispered. 

The Asset slid his hand between Steve's legs and over his tight, dry hole. The Asset sucked on his fingers and ran them over Steve's hole. He intended to use lube, but he couldn't forget the memory of them punching into him. Thinking of Steve holding him so he couldn't escape his hold. The whole time Steve babbled his understandings. 

The Asset grabbed his feet and dragged him into Steve's bedroom throwing him onto the bed. Steve bounced as he thumped down on the bed. The Asset was pulling his pants off before he stopped bouncing. 

Steve fought to get away; The Winter Soldier used his metal hand to grab Steve's throat. "Move, and I will rip your throat out."

Steve froze seeing nothing of the man he knew and loved in the dark, angry eyes looking at him. 

The Asset reached into the drawer and grabbed the lube. The Asset thought he would fuck Steve dry. He didn't think ripping Steve's guts all to shit was okay even if Steve allowed him. 

Using lube didn't mean he used enough. The Soldier coated his fingers and shoved three in pumping immediately. He didn't give Steve anywhere near enough time to get used to the penetration. 

Steve screamed when The Asset breached him. He felt like he was going to die. It felt like he was being ripped in half. The pain consumed his every thought. 

The Asset pumped into him listening to the desperate screams and panting breath. He thought about stopping. The Winter Soldier showed Steve a taste of the fear and pain of rape. The Soldier kept feeling men raping him until the pain made him vomit, he felt himself rip. 

The Winter Soldier thought of Steve sitting on the floor holding him with his arms and legs trapping him. He thought of Steve violating him night after night. He thought of Steve being too fucking dumb to see the dead angry look in The Asset's eyes. He thought about Steve not able to tell the grunts, and "moans" were whimpers and swallowed screams. 

The Asset took his metal hand and pressed Steve's soft cock to his body. He enjoyed listening as Steve's whimpers became screams again. "You still want to know what rape feels like, Captain America?" The Winter Soldier thought he should offer Steve the out he was never given. He was aware of Steve's guilt was too thick to accept the out, but he was going to offer. He wasn't HYDRA no matter how many times they told he was The Fist of HYDRA.

"Is this going to be like the Helicarrier, when you let me beat you through the floor?" 

"No, I didn't deserve the beating you gave me, but I deserve this, Steve said between desperate sobs and slight screams punctuating his words. 

The Asset knew he wouldn't be rational, but he offered. 

Steve saw what Bucky did. He wanted to cry with sadness. Bucky reminded him there was an out, offered to stop. Steve knew he deserved this, so he let Bucky rape him. Steve could feel more wetness between his legs and knew it was blood; he reminded himself he would heal. 

The Soldier grabbed two pillows shoving his metal arm under the small of Steve's back. He used his metal arm and the fingers still inside Steve's ass to lift him onto the pillows. 

Steve screamed as Bucky used his anus as a grab point to raise him onto the pillows. Steve felt muscle tear as Bucky lifted him. The pain was far worse than bullets he'd taken or broken bones. 

The Asset felt muscle tear when he lifted Steve, but he was far too far gone to stop unless Steve asked him. 

The Asset was having a hard time getting his dick to work. There was no way he was hard enough to fuck Steve. He wanted to finish; he wanted this to end. He hurt Steve. He showed him the pain of rape. 

Steve would already take months to get over this night. The Soldier knew he would; he also knew Steve would say he took it easy on him if he didn't fuck him. The problem was he didn't get off on raping Steve any more than when he was the one torn open and forced to scream.

Steve put his hand over his mouth to muffle the screams. As soon as his hand was in proximity to his mouth, he bit hard trying to make it all bearable. He needed Bucky to finish. 

Steve didn't know if he wanted Bucky to hold him or leave the apartment, but he needed the rape to be over now. The cold, angry look in Bucky's eyes scared more than the pain. He wondered if Bucky would stop if he asked him. Steve didn't want to know the answer. He somehow knew he would never be able to trust Bucky if he didn't stop when he asked.

"Buck, I'm sorry. I didn't know." Steve said, between ragged breaths and whimpers. 

The Asset could see Steve was about at his breaking point and needing this to end as much as he did. He leaned up next to Steve's ear and hissed. "Now you can say you understand." As he shoved his hand further up Steve's ass. He didn't stop until his thumb pressed against Steve's taint. The pain was drawing new and desperate screams from Steve. 

Steve screamed into his hand as The Soldier shoved in deeper. It wasn't the scream breaking something deep inside The Soldier it was the sadness in Steve's eyes. 

Bucky snatched out of Steve and rushed backward falling on his ass in his haste to get away. Bucky's stomach started to convulse as he saw the blood on Steve's ass and all over the bed. He didn't lose his lunch until he saw the blood on his hand. Bucky couldn't stop himself he puked all over the floor and himself being himself not to cry. 

The sound of retching drew Steve's attention from the pain. He wanted to go to Bucky, but he hurt so much he couldn't bring himself to move. 

"I'm sorry Stevie. I'm so sorry." He wanted to beg to know why Steve made him, but blaming Steve wasn't fair. Steve was trying to understand him. Trying to atone for his transgressions.

"Please, Buck get me out of this room. I can't lay here looking at these walls." Steve wasn't sure how he would feel when Bucky touched him, but he couldn't lay in his blood and look at the same four walls. "Please Buck."

The Asset looked at himself unsure when he went, and Bucky came or when Bucky went, and he came. He wanted to do what Steve asked, but he couldn't touch Steve with his blood still on his hand. 

The Asset jumped and ran to the bathroom and washed his hands. He looked to see himself covered in vomit and stripped out of his clothes. When he moved toward Steve, Steve screamed. 

"Please Bucky, I can't please God. I can't. Helicarrier, Helicarrier, Helicarrier." Steve sobbed trying to cover himself with his hand whimpering as he moved. 

The Asset looked to see his nakedness running toward Steve no wonder Steve panicked. Stopping on a dime, he spun towards the dresser ripping open the drawer to Steve's gym clothes. He fell on his ass trying to get the shorts in such haste. 

The Asset walked towards Steve his hands up moving with great care. "It's okay, Stevie. I'm not going to hurt you again. I'm sorry. You're safe." The words felt as hollow and trite as they always sounded when Steve said them to him. He wondered if they felt dull and empty to Steve when he said them. 

Steve sobbed and whimpered as Bucky walked toward him. Steve hated hearing "You're safe." come out of Bucky's mouth after what he raped him. He finally understood why Bucky hated hearing it so much. Steve jerked back when Bucky touched him. He let a panicked whimper escape his throat as Bucky came closer praying Bucky would hurt him again. 

The Asset pulled back when Steve panicked putting his hands back up where Steve could see them. "Do you want me to move you?"

"Please. I don't want to be in this room."

The Asset lifted him carrying him out of Steve's room. "Do you want to be on the couch or in my room? It will be more comfortable on the bed. I understand if you don't want to be in my space."

"On the bed," Steve said. Steve wanted to look at Bucky, but he wanted to see the kind, loving eyes of his friend. He didn't think he could bear seeing the cold, angry eyes he had seen earlier.

Bucky was so careful as he carried Steve. It made him want to cry for a different reason. 

Before The Asset laid him on the bed, he grabbed a towel from the bathroom and dropped it on the bed. He saw the hurt look on Steve's face. "I don't want you to have to lay in blood all night, and we don't have another bed, so I want to keep this one clean."

Steve saw the logic even if it still hurt a little.

"Do you want me to clean you up. I don't like the idea of you laying there all dirty." The Asset said, feeling so disgusted with himself. 

"I want the blood off, but I don't know if I can let you touch me there," Steve said, tears welling up in his eyes. 

The Asset turned walking to the bathroom, fighting the urge to puke again at the look of anger and fear in Steve's eyes. He managed to grab the basin, washcloths, and towels without losing his lunch again. The Asset learned his lesson about rushing towards Steve. He moved slow his hands visible even with all the crap in them. 

"Do you want me to clean you up or do you want to wash yourself?"

"Me," Steve said slight panic rising in his voice as he spoke. 

The Asset set everything within Steve's reach and stepped back. He moved far enough away Steve could see him without straining. He wanted to leave and give Steve space. He would but he wasn't sure Steve wanted to be alone, it was selfish he knew, but he didn't want to have Steve tell him to leave.

It was painful to bend the short way to get the rag wet but bending to wash was excruciating. Steve couldn't keep the whimpers at bay when he tried to clean himself. "Can you?" Steve barked, louder and angrier than he meant, but he couldn't bring himself to be sorry. 

The Asset recoiled at the harsh tone Steve used toward him, but he couldn't blame him. The Asset remembered the hatred towards the men who raped him. The love of Steve's life raped him he was bound to be angry. The Asset might be able to say it was consensual non-consent if he asked Steve for consent. He never did, he said the words, but he had Steve pinned to the floor by his throat by then. 

Easing forward The Asset put the cloth in Steve's hand careful not to touch him in any way as he did. The Asset had never been one for gentle or kind touches, but he did his best. He was as delicate as possible, but he still heard Steve whimper and start to cry as he wiped him clean. 

The Asset didn't look to see Steve's eyes fearing the hatred he would see in them. He couldn't understand why he cared if Steve hated him. It was Bucky who loved Steve, not him. Bucky who would be crushed by Steve's flinches and anger. Still, it broke him to know he was the one causing pain for both Steve and Bucky. 

Steve was clean as he could be without a shower, so The Asset took all the supplies to the bathroom. He wondered for the hundredth time if Steve wanted him to go or stay. 

"Do you want to leave the apartment, the room, or do you want me to stay?" The Asset asked trying not to let his voice show what he wanted. 

Steve wanted to snap "Get away," but before he spoke, he looked and finally made eye contact with Bucky. The lost, hopeless, sad look in his eyes said he was as lost and broken as him. "Stay. Lay with me?" Steve said somewhat hopeful. 

The Asset shocked as he was, walked to the bed lifting Steve off the bed, and pushing the covers with his knee. He wanted Steve covered. It was all he could do to get Steve on the bed without hurting him. 

"Where do you want me to lay?" 

Steve hadn't thought about where he wanted Bucky to lay. He realized he didn't want Bucky pressed up behind him. He didn't want Bucky's cock against his ass. 

"Lay on your back and let me curl up against you." 

Bucky laid on the bed careful not to jostle him at all. Steve was thankful for his care. Steve wanted to be held; he wanted strong arms wrapped around him. Rolling so he could put his head on Bucky was harder than he wanted to admit. He managed soon Steve's face was on Bucky's chest strong arms wrapped around him. 

Steve took a shuddering breath and started to cry. Not big desperate sobs from before, he cried for his loss and the horrors Bucky had suffered. Even after the events of the day he knew it wasn't a drop in the bucket compared to what happened to the love of his life.

Steve somehow knew they would get through this like everything else. 

"The Winter Soldier is still in me," Bucky whispered into Steve's hair. 

"I know. I see The Soldier in your eyes sometimes." Steve said, wrapping his arms around Bucky offering him comfort. 

"I'm with you "til the end of the line," Steve mumbled, nuzzling into Bucky's chest.


End file.
